After my wonderful vacation in Bali, I boarded my flight back to London at Soekarno-Hatta Jakarta International Airport.

"Cabin crew, prepare for take off," the pilot announced, and minutes later, we were gaining speed. I was getting ready for the familiar tug of gravity as the plane leaves the ground, but instead, the whole aircraft shuddered as the pilot deployed reverse thrusters. The plane slowed down, came to a stop in the middle of the runway and taxied back to the gate.

Q: A candy is on a table in the center of a room. In the four corners of the room are God, an atheist, the Easter Bunny, and Santa Claus. Suddenly the lights go out. When the lights come back on, the candy is gone. Who ate it?

A: The atheist. There's no such thing as Santa Claus, there's no such thing as the Easter Bunny, and there's no such thing as God.

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Paris Hilton is driving under influence with sister Nicky and friend Nicole Richie in the car when they meet with a terrible accident. All three of them are killed instantly and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, Nicky Hilton accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.